The Shem Propriety
by BewareofShleets
Summary: Shems and the strange up-tight customs.
1. Chapter 1

The Shem Propriety

Cutlery

Ellana inspected each spoon, each fork, and each knife. She carefully noted their shape, their size and the position they sat on the table. Pointed, sharp, serrated, blunt. Curved, round, angled.

Yes…hmm…

She lifted her gaze at a smiling dark-skinned woman, wearing the most… shiniest garment Ellana had ever seen on a person. Josephine tilted her head pleasantly at her, her dark brown eyes held no hostility, "So Miss Lavellan which one is the salad fork?"

Ellana dropped her gaze back towards the cutlery. 'Salad fork, salad fork...'

There was one fork above the plates, three to the left and one to the far right next to the spoons.

Ellana rapped her fingers once along the tables edge, taking a quick glance at Josephine, she slowly dragged her index finger towards the far right fork.

"Seafood fork, Miss Lavellan."

Quirking a brow, Ellana withdrew her finger and glided slowly towards the left side, pointing at the middle fork.

"Fish fork." The ambassadors smiled.

Ellana moved her finger right.

"Dinner fork." The former word spoken firm, deep, Ellana could hear the quiver in her voice.

Withdrawing her hand back to edge of the table she stared blankly at the last two forks. She brought her finger to the farthest left and glanced again at Josephine, who nodded with a tight smile. "Salad fork, well done Miss Lavellan."

Quickly grasping the salad fork in to her right hand, ready to skewer said greens from her plate, Josephine stopped her. "No. No! Salad fork in your left hand! Anything on the left side is for the left hand Miss Lavellan."

Ellana felt her eye twitch as she swapped hands. She angled utensil, ready, eager! "No, Miss Lavellan! You do not hold dinner utensil like daggers."

She dropped her hand firmly onto the table causing the other cutlery to bounce, her arm shook as she glared the woman across from her. Although this was not a dagger, she knew exactly where she would stab the pointy ends.

"Miss Lavellan." Josephine firmly started. "This is how you hold the forks from the left."

The was a quiet pause as Ellana copied and settled the fork between her index and thumb.

"Now, lastly, before we can finally begin our lunch, which one is salad knife."


	2. Chapter 2

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Pets

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In the prisons below Haven's chantry was several locked caged doors.

Behind one caged door, on the far-left side of the room, beside a desk and column of books was a fat nug.

A very fat nug, sitting comfortably on a plush pillow with a red ribbon around its neck.

The sleepy nug peered through its beady eyes as it heard a grunt. There was an elf who attempting to stick their head throw the bars, craning to get a better look at it.

The elf then, stuck an arm through the bars, wriggling their fingers at the sleepy nug and chirped, trying to entice the nug to come over. The fat nug far too lazy to move, yawned wide with a loud long squeak, showing the elf its sharp buck teeth, before tucking into the pillow.

The elf cursed, rattling the bars before walking away with a huff.

The second time someone woke the nug, it lounged on its back as he watched with squinty eyes at yet another elf who picked at the lock. A click later, the different elf entered, looking left and right she muttered "Wha a waste of time." and left.

The third time, again, the nug had not bothered to open its eyes. Instead the nug lulled itself in the arms of a warm body.

Ahh... there was no other nug as lucky as him.

"So, they're finally letting you wander outside Haven?" asked Varric. He sat in front of a suckling spit roast, still basting over a low fire.

"No." Ellana replied simply as she sprinkled dried herbs on top the roast.

"No? Where did you get the meat, then? Cassandra says the blast has scared off all game." Varric enquired, he frowned at the meat then, trying to decipher what sort of animal he was about to eat.

"I found it. Someone must have been saving him." She plopped back beside him with a smile. "I'm so desperate for meat. I'll replace the one I took next time Cassandra says we need to go out."

Varric's brow rose slowly to his hair-line. "You found it?" He queried. "Where did you find it?" The said animal was plump, fat dripped into the fire frequently, hissing, causing the flames to flicker. Its arms and legs was wrapped in a thick layer of spindleweave leaves, for flavour and to retain the tender fat moist, a Dalish tradition for those with less sturdy teeth. A random spear, that Ellana had found from somewhere, was skewered through the animals behind right through its mouth and propped between two boulders.

When Ellana didn't answer, Varric looked over to his right. The Dalish bore a wide, eyes wide open staring at the roasting meat.

Raising his voice "Ellana." She hummed without looking at him, Varric asked again "Where did you find this animal?"

"Oh, in the dungeons. The nug was just sitting there."

He didn't reply immediately, he paused for a thought as he looked at said skewered animal. "A nug...?" he whispered, scratching his prickly chin.

"It had the most ridiculous red bow around it."

"Oh Andrastes' tits…" panic pierced through his chest.

"So I asked Sera to unlock the cage door for me."

Varric abruptly stood to his feet. "We need to hide it!" he wheezed.

"Easiest nug I ever caught."

"The Left Hands pet nug!" his hands flew to head, grasping his hair.

"Nug meat is delicious…"

"We're all going to die." He gasped, peering down at the dreamy-eyed elf.

"…can you just imagine crunching through that crackling?"

"Are you even listening to me!?" Varric shook her, he gripped her shoulders. Ellana frowned, confused with Varric's panicking stare.

"Don't worry, I plan to share it with Leliana as well."

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No Beta!


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